The Blogsphere is ringing this week with the sound of debating feminists/ pro feminists/other women identifying peoples discussing BDSM and the agency and roles of women within BDSM sexual relationships. I’m not going to link to the debates because a) I’m exhausted after attending double lectures and a talk on socialist feminism and b) I really don’t want to take a side in the existing debate, especially not at 10.30 at night, when I’m exhausted.
Mostly I just want a chance to open up a debate about Teh Kinky Sexzors without piggy backing off of someone else’s.
My opinions about sex pretty much run too – if it’s consenting, non- coerced, and involves people doing whatever they want to do to get each other off, providing no children, animals, dead people or unwilling participants etc involved, then people should do what they like. Essentially- do what you want with who you want providing there’s consent, sense, and equality in the room.
I can see, however, how and why there is a debate about how or not BDSM does or doesn’t hold up Patriarchy and existing, dominant ideas about sexuality, women’s sexuality and the kinds of sex we should all be having.
What disturbs me about some of these debates is, the perceived removal of women’s agency. One of the argument I’ve heard is that women don’t involve themselves in BDSM based sexual encounters because they really want too, they do it because patriarchy, porn, dominant cultural narratives and their (male) partners tell them they should.
This kind of thinking, in my opinion, removes the agency of women who ARE engaging in BDSM because they want too, because they get off on it and so do their partners. I’m not for a second about to naively suggest that no woman has ever been co-erced into abusive situations involving BDSM- but I would argue that it they are co-erced then it’s not sex it’s rape, and that is a different ball game all together.
From the BDSM communities I’ve known of, safety and consent have been two of the most holy, cardinal rules ever. You don’t do a damn thing, if they or you aren’t fully aware and consenting. You don’t do a damn thing if they or you do not feel totally safe, and you have adequate safety measures in place- for some people that’s using condoms for others it’s safety words, reliable easily reached cutting equipment and first aid kits at the ready, just in case.
I’m confused by arguments that suggest we, as a movement, are fighting for women’s autonomy and agency to be recognized, whilst simultaneously denying women the right to have sex however they please. I CAN understand arguments focusing on women’s co-ercion into sexual behaviours, or women’s socialization into particular sexual roles. What I can’t understand is why women, who are plainly choosing to engage in sex where they experiment in a number of ways with roles, identities, toys and boundaries are criticized and told they can’t possibly enjoy it, they’ve just been brainwashed.
How does dialogue like this help the movement? How does dialogue like this enable women from a variety of ideological positions to share experiences, beliefs and discussion about sex and women’s sexuality openly and honestly?
To me this standpoint of agency denial, can be perceived as women hating, as much as, standpoints that suggests that women who freely enjoy sex are worthless or standpoints that suggest women shouldn’t have access to reproductive healthcare becuase they shouldn’t be having sex in the first place.
I would also like to question whether these arguments apply to lesbian/gay relationships. So far all the arguments I’ve read, have been about heterosexual Dom/sub relationships and BDSM in heterosexual relationships. If a woman is the Dom in her lesbian Dom/sub relationship is that still upholding the Patriarchy? Does women dominating women, or tying women up count as internalized mysogyny? Answers in the comments section please!
I’m hoping this post will mean a discussion springs up. So far I’ve never deleted or modded a genuine comment anyone has made- I’m hoping this can continue. If you do comment (and please do- all viewpoints welcome) then please be mindful of your language and tolerant of the views of others.