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Thoughts on caring

Tuesday 15th December, 2009 in Health, Parenting, caring, feminism by Melaszka | No comments

When Suzi asked me if I would mind writing a blog about my experience of being a full-time carer for my elderly parents, I thought it would be easy to put my thoughts down on paper. Actually, though, it’s been extremely difficult, not least because I’ve found myself going through several drafts agonising about whether I’ve written too much about me and not enough about my parents.

My anxiety on this point probably stems form the fact that, like many of my sex, I have probably internalised the belief that we women have a special caring gene stamped all the way through our DNA like “Blackpool” through a stick of rock, and that, therefore, if we do not devote every waking moment of every day to others, or dare express any needs of our own, we must be “unnatural”, “cold” and “selfish”.

But we don’t need to internalise this belief, as there are always plenty of people ready to remind us of it. Not long after I first moved down here, I left a post on an internet message board devoted to advice on family problems, asking for tips on how I could build more of a life for myself around my caring duties for my parents, as I was beginning to feel a bit isolated, having moved hundreds of miles from my support network of friends to a more provincial community where there was a lot less going on. I was astonished to receive a response suggesting that I should “get local authority help for them as soon as possible, as it’s not fair that the care of your vulnerable parents should be dependent on someone as incredibly selfish as you.”

Since people like that are going to damn me whatever I write, I therefore make no apologies – this blog entry is focused on my feelings and experiences alone. Not because I don’t think my parents’ feeling are important, but because I’m not them and I can’t speak for them, I can only speak for myself.

One thing which I find very curious and very sad is that, when I tell people that I care full-time for my elderly mother and father, they look at me with sympathy, as if I’ve just announced that I have a terminal disease. It was a voluntary decision – I love my parents, enjoy their company, consider myself very lucky indeed to be spending large swathes of time with them while I still have the chance, and (while I acknowledge that caring for them has meant some very difficult compromises, as well) giving up paid work outside the home to go and live with them has also given me the time and space to do a lot of things I wouldn’t have been able to do while juggling a full-time job – and yet many of the people I meet assume that I feel like the child caught when the music stops at the end of a game of Hot Potato.

This probably stems largely from the societal belief that the only work which matters is paid work outside the home.

As full-time parents, the unemployed and those on incapacity benefit will know all too well, if you can’t answer the question “What do you do?” with something that involves a big salary, then you are all too often viewed as boring, valueless to society, insignificant and possibly congenitally stupid. Carers have little status and few rights in our society – carers’ allowance is derisory and when I do need to re-enter the workforce, probably in my 50s or 60, I’m a bit concerned about how potential employers will view the large “gap” in my CV.

But I’ve found that caring for elderly parents has also really brought home to me the social prejudices that exist about single, childless women. First of all, there was the automatic assumption in my wider family that I, not my married sister, would be the one to care for my parents. While I was more than happy to fulfil this role, it was because I wanted to, not because I thought that it was my rightful duty, and I still resent the assumption that, because I didn’t have a partner or children, there couldn’t possibly be anything at all important in my life that I might mind giving up.

Then there’s the caricature stereotypes that people try to hang on you. While working single women who live alone are often decried as hard-nosed, ambitious bitches, fecklessly ignoring their biological clock in a quest for ball-breaking career dominance and heading for a lonely, unfulfilled old age as their rightful comeuppance, at least people assume they are having some fun in the present. But there’s something about the stereotype of the “woman who stayed at home to look after mother” that has no redeeming features at all. I am presumed to change every night out of my horn-rimmed glasses, hard-wearing tweeds and sensible shoes into my high-necked flannelette nightie, before wistfully dreaming of the man I will never now meet who might have made sense of my life.

I think being a full-time carer for my parents has really brought home to me how narrowly most of society views fulfilment, as being entirely dependent on having a partner, children and/or a high-paid job. And where women are concerned, let’s face it, largely the first two.

People often say to me “Well, obviously, your sister can’t do more for your parents – she’s got her own family to think about.” To which I want to reply “And who, then, are her parents? Strangers?” As a society, we are so locked into the idea of the heterosexual nuclear family as being the only unit that matters, that we are in danger of closing ourselves off to the other relationships and paths that are possible.

Covert Eugenics

Monday 14th December, 2009 in Health, Parenting, feminism by Dorri | No comments

If you knew how many attempts I’ve made at this you’d laugh! But Suzi asked if I’d like to contribute, and I would, so I guess I’m just going to have to get used to writing in a new style – I don’t suppose anyone really wants to read an essay at the moment.

Anyway, Suzi wants me to talk about the perspective of a disabled feminist – so I’ve decided to share a story with you.

A few months ago, during a phone-call, my mother asked me if there was any point in her still keeping my old baby clothes.  I can still remember looking through them as a child; they were stored in my old pram body, I have no idea what’s happened to the metal frame. I was fascinated by them. Partly, I suspect, because the idea that I had once been so small was just so strange and partly because I liked seeing how much care my mother took of them. I found it reassuring. The care given to these tiny clothes seemed to demonstrate how much she must have cared for me as a child; the possibility that one day I too would have tiny infant of my own to care for; and that she would be dressed, at times, in my old well loved garments; it was the past the present and the future all tied together.

My mother’s comment made it clear that she was abandoning hope that I would provide her with a grandchild. It underlined something I knew, that it was getting very unlikely that I was going to be a mother myself. I was incredibly hurt by my mother’s comment. I knew it was a rebuke, the idea that I had let her down by not providing a baby.

So far this is story that many able-bodied women will know or have seen. But let me give you a little of my background.

Seven or eight years ago, when I was about 30, I knew time was getting short and I knew I wanted a child. Circumstances hadn’t worked out, my long term relationship had ended some time previously and there was no real sign of a new one coming. so I started thinking – could I do this alone? Getting pregnant didn’t seem like the real problem, that was the reality of being unable to work alone, broke, and looking after a child. While I thought I might be able to cope I was not naive enough to think that life as a single mother was going to be easy.

Anyway I thought about this, mulled it over – I became more convinced it was something I wanted to do, and I was open with my close friends about my thoughts.  Of course just when you give up hope of a relationship they do have a tendency to appear!  He was one of the people that knew of my plan and I was clear that us getting together only meant that I was prepared to delay getting pregnant by a year or so – if at that time he didn’t want to be part of it that was fine, but it was going to happen.

One person I hadn’t shared this plan with was my mother. A year later and my partner and I began planning. We both had disabilities, the same one in fact.  So I talked to my doctor about how to go about this and give my child the best start I could. Step one would be reducing my medication, we both knew that this meant a big increase in the amount of pain I was going to have to deal with, and that almost every other symptom I had would get worse but it would be worth it.

It was at this point, with a partner on board and my doctor not just on my side but almost as excited by the idea we were – which would have been a minor miracle if I hadn’t spent several years finding a decent doctor, that I talked to my parents.

My mother wanted to know if I was sure – I didn’t bat an eyelid at this, I assumed she was just be a protective mother but I had no idea what was really behind the question, or what was coming next.

 ‘Do you really think you should have a child with him?’

Now I was worried, had she seen something in him that I had missed? But no that was not what she meant.

‘I mean with his condition he really shouldn’t be a parent should he.’

At that point I felt sick. I remembered the little things my mother had said in the past. When a mutual friend of ours had committed suicide after battling with severe depression as well as the same condition as I had, my mother had said ‘perhaps its better that she is has been removed from the gene pool, the whole family is a bit…’  

I pointed out that he had the same condition as I did – she ignored that. I repeated the point adding that I thought it was probably slightly more relevant that I had the condition, after all I was the one contributing a life support system as well as DNA to the child. ‘Well I’m just trying to be helpful’, she said.

Those words are so … I can’t think of the word, but it feels like every time I have to deal with other people’s problems with my disability they excuse their actions by saying ‘Well I’m just trying to be helpful – there’s no need to be ungrateful.’ And now I had to hear it from my own mother.

I don’t know how to explain the level of pain this caused me; even if there had been a chance of there being some truth in what she said it probably would have hurt, but my condition is not genetic; it will have no known impact on my ability to carry a child to term, or on that child’s health.

But really, what could I expect of my mother? I have to remember that she trained as a children’s nurse, that she had dealt with neonatal babies, and all this happened at a time when it was normal for a disabled baby to be taken away from its mother, at a time when it was thought that she would be better off is her child died, and if that child was disabled enough it would simply be left uncared for in a room, probably the sluice, to die, slowly of neglect and starvation. I have no idea whether she was one of those people; I know it is easily possible, but how do I ask her? And how can I expect her to understand how much her opinion, her frankly eugenics-based opinion hurts and attacks me.  When she was a child the Nazi’s forced sterilisation on approximately 400,000 disabled people.[1] The compulsory sterilisation programme for genetically undesirables virtually ended in 1939 when the Euthanasia Programme was introduced – it is estimated that in the 4 years the programme was in operation at least 70,000 people were murdered.[2] As if this wasn’t awful enough the Allied authorities were unable to classify the sterilisation as war crimes because by the end of the war at least 11 European countries and 29 American states had passed similar legislation with regard to “unfit persons” which included both Black and disabled people. Compensation could only be provided by the West German authorities if the claimant could prove that they were not genetically alcoholic, epileptic, feeble minded, schizophrenic, manic-depressive, or in any other way disabled. So in their eyes no crime had been committed?

This is the world my mother grew up in – how is she supposed think about me. I am her daughter but I am also one of those people. The ones you don’t see on TV, or at school, or at work, or in the media. Don’t think I’m not furious, at her, and the world which condoned these actions. I am. Yes, my mother and I had a massive argument about it – the idea that she was using the theory of eugenics horrified her, she was angry with me for making such an accusation.

We pretend now that this didn’t happen – bigger things have happened and dealing with them has subdued that topic. But I am left caught between a mother who wants me to provide her with a grandchild but doesn’t want me, a disabled person, to breed. So, when she asked her question about my old baby clothes, all that followed was a hurt and painful silence on both sides.

[1]               J. Morris 1991 page 48

[2]               Ibid. page 49 & 54

Breastfeeding in Public- Indecent Exposure?

Wednesday 2nd September, 2009 in Accepted Social Situations, Education, Parenting, feminism by Suzi | No comments

So tonight after reading some stuff posted on a friends Facebook wall, I went and had a look at  a Poll on Breastfeeding. The questions asks ‘Do you think women should be forced to cover up when breastfeeding in public?’. I’m was somewhat pleased to see that of eveyone who had answered the poll, 56% said no.  However, what really troubled me was a) the fact that this is even a question that needs asking at all and b) the comments section which was full of glorious examples of mysogyny such as men telling women that breastfeeding in public without covering up was ‘indecent exposure’.

So let’s deal with point a) first- the fact this question even needed to be asked. I’m against the use of the word ‘forced’ in the question. No woman should be ‘forced’ to do anything, especially not when feeding her child. Let’s all just take a moment here to remember that breasts, contrary to popular myth, exist so that women can breastfeed. It is in fact, the primary function of the mammary gland to produce milk in order to nourish infants. I suspect that the reason this question gets asked is because in our modern, western, over sexualised culture we seem to have completely forgotten that  breasts are not sexual objects designed to titillate and pleasure men.

Moving onto point b)- the misogyny in a lot of the comments. There were of course several comments from people pointing out the sheer ridiculousness of expecting Mothers to feed their babies in toilets or  under blankets etc – when Michael Jackson stuck his kids heads under blankets in public we called it child abuse. How  is it suddenly okay when the parent is a Mother who is FEEDING her child? There were several comments from people asking what all the fuss was about, when breastfeeding is a perfectly natural thing. And then there were the comments where people argued that urination is natural, but that doesn’t mean they do it in the street. Here’s the thing- babies need feeding. Babies, when not fed become quite upset. I am fairly certain, the same people who call ‘disgusting’ upon seeing the tiniest hint of flesh in a breastfeeding mother, are the same people who ‘tut’ and mutter ‘ can’t they shut that child up? shocking’ under their breath when confronted with a Mother who is attempting to soothe her hungry child when she is too anxious to feed in public because of people’s reaction.

Also- how do these people think women breastfeed? Having breastfed one baby, bottlefed another (for long and complex reasons),  and in about 6 months time I’ll be breastfeeding a third, I’m desperately trying to work out how on earth anyone is ‘exposing’ themselves enough to warrant being stared at by people in public. It’s not as if one flops one’s breasts onto a table while the child uses a straw or something! Breastfeeding requires a baby to be latched on so closely to the breast in order to suck, that unless you’re feeding over a vest top or topless it’s nigh on impossible to see any flesh. Ifyour an inexperienced breastfeeder, who’s just getting into her routine, then yes you might ‘expose’ a bit of flesh whilst latching on, but seriously ‘indecent exposure’? That’s a bit much really.

It seems to me that there are many things tied up in this question and the attotudes the poll has revealed. Primarily there’s an issue about women and their use of public spaces- these people feel women should not feel comfortable or able to use public spaces to feed their children and that their behaviour and autonomy should be censured for ‘moral’ reasons. Those moral reasons rest on notions of womens bodies and body parts as sexual objects designed to bring pleasure to men, but not to carry out their primary function- that of feeding babies. Then their an issue about ‘forcing’ women to comply with a ‘rule’ which is based on fallacious arguments and a dominant male based oppressive power structure.

I’m not that fussed about how or where women choose to feed their babies. Breastfeeding from many points of view is prefferable to bottlefeeding,  but  for many women it isn’t a practical, medical or cultural option, and  either way it shouldn’t matter. We need to support women and their partners and families to be comfortable with their feeding choices- this means access to breastfeeding cafes, and clinics and lactation consultants. This means access to peer supporters, and proper, accurate information about both breast and bottle feeding.  This means being able to feed your baby in public in any way you damn please without fear of censure or disapproval or abuse.

And it means that as onlookers, as other humans using a public space, we do not judge. We do not comment, becuase whether supportive or not, we are intruding. We do not ‘tut’ or mutter ’shocking’. We recognize that what we see is not indecent exposure, or bad parenting or shamelessness or a woman flaunting herself. What we see is a child being given it’s meal by it’s caregiver, and that is a perfectly normal, perfectly natural thing.

Freddie Starr ate my hamster and other bullshit.

Saturday 14th March, 2009 in Media Personality, Parenting, Technology, Uncategorized, feminism, gender, sex by andieberry | No comments

Browsing the net tonight I found two articles that caught my eye , over on Feministing ,about a lesbian being chased off and effectively banned from x-box live and the other over on the F-word about female I.T workers quitting their jobs because of the industry’s sexism.

To be honest , at first, I thought the headline `Lesbian banned from X-box live!` was a headline straight out of  The Sun in the `Freddie Starr ate my hamster` mould. It was absolutely ridiculous and laughed until I checked  out the whole article. I started to think about the last x-box game I completed (Fable II ), its a role playing game with fighting,magic and relies on interpersonal responses with the game virtual characters in order to fully assess renown.

Did it matter if I was a male or female character? A main unlock achievement in the game is to get married and was it a problem if I chose a member of the same sex? No .So sexuality equality is creeping into some games these days ,so why does it matter if you express your sexuality or just simply experiment? Its the old chestnut `just think about the children!` panic , in other terms ‘I don’t want to explain why some people have different sexualities , it makes me uncomfortable’.

That comment pointed to me over to the furor over a disabled woman presenting kids TV. A women with one able arm is presenting toddler t.v . So what?  most of the rational thinking population may think,but no, during a Radio 2 talk show a listener rang in and complained that this woman would give his kids nightmares. Well Mr phone man ,my kids are 3 and 4 and they didn’t bat an eyelid or comment on it!

Back to the game…upon completing the game I was shown the credits.  How many female programmers were credited? Two ,that’s right two. Out of thirty five! WTF! Why is that I thought to myself? Maybe I’m being naive here but I thought we lived in 2009 , and that technology and jobs within the tech industry were  about merit and not about gender. I’m wrong according to the excellent article over on The F-word. Sexism is rife in the I.T industry , apparently us ‘girls’ should stick to low paying call center jobs and making the tea at gaming studios.

I have now made a conscious decision to learn programming , I’m kind of into finding out what my p.c can do and regular readers know that I’m an advocate of open source software, and I like messing around with Linux operating system.

I used to work in pubs , I know that most men are socialized in a sexist manner but I thought that on-line we as women could be what we wanted to be , be it androgynous, lesbian, bisexual or a spider plankton from Mars. Who cares as long as you find  liberty and kinship which under pins the whole ethic of the World Wide Web or even the supposed male dominated Hacker world :-

“Hackers should be judged by their hacking , not bogus criteria such as degrees,age,race or position”.(Levy,S.Hackers(1994)Penguin.New York.

Laptops for disadvantaged children in the U.K

Saturday 17th January, 2009 in Civil Liberties, Education, News, Parenting, Politics, Technology by andieberry | No comments

Following on from the reports that the government intend to provide economically and socially deprived children a laptop and broadband my questions are these:-

Given the credit crunch and the pull back from implementing green technologies, will this policy also be put on the back-burner? I can’t find anything on the net to suggest that pilot schemes are going ahead.

Is this a ruse to free up teaching time? i.e “difficult” students could sent home from school and told to resume their studies on-line, therefore making them more socially isolated and marginally more susceptible to being groomed,it could also raise depression levels in socially excluded young people and increase the likelihood of them committing electronic crimes.

I do think this is a great scheme-  I’m certainly more liberated since going on-line at home. As a single mother it has enabled me to cyber socialize and self educate. Is this a case of “great idea, it’ll be a possible voter morale booster”? I really hope not, because children who live below the poverty line need the social capital enabling tool of the Internet.

And for my first trick….

Thursday 8th January, 2009 in Parenting, Uncategorized, feminism, gender, magazines, sex by andieberry | 1 comment

This post is my response to a part of Suzi`s post  `The Mummy Myth`and also  expresses my thoughts on female competitiveness.

To begin with lets look at the two -sided coin which is the mainstream media…..

Can anyone remember any obviously pregnant women presenting the weather, reading the news or presenting breakfast T.V in the eighties? The only woman I can remember is Janet Ellis who presented Blue Peter and was subjected to complaints from outraged viewers because she was a)pregnant and b) shock horror, also unmarried.

Fast forward to the here and now, and pregnant TV presenters are  commonplace,a good thing wouldn`t you say? Pregnant women can be seen, heard and are generally considered capable  enough to carrying on working in their high profile jobs. Of course, the maternity leave ,pay and birthing plan are all held in the public eye, and  maybe the expectant mother will do an interview with various magazines saying how wonderful she feels and how she now, inexplicably  likes eating raw marrow with ice-cream.

After she’s had the baby, done the OK photo shoot and obligingly shown off said precious bundle it all goes downhill and becomes  a media free-for-all.Why hasn`t she lost that baby weight yet? Why’s she depressed when she`s got lots of money and round the clock nannies? Should she be going back to work so soon? Does she breast feed?

All these questions in some shape or another have been asked for millenia at the water well,over washing lines and in recent times, at the coffee shop. The only thing is, now these questions are amplified through the media, and so the stereotype of the Yummy Mummy in upper/middle class circles or MILF in working class circles has appeared, demonstrating that women’s only true commodity is to be fuckable. Crude but more to the point.
These stereotypes trickle down into society, and,  in my experience the ‘Yummy Mummies’ at my kid`s school (by the by, I live in social housing in a very desirable area and professional families frequently relocate from London to get into the schools catchment area)always look fantastic have the latest bicycle and trailer sets,talk play dates, eat organic food and about the marvelous kids boutique in town.There is one middle class mum there who talks to her child, doesn’t give a crap about her appearance and seems to do lots of volunteer work for the school ,but it doesn’t matter how marvelous she is, the nasty whispers are still there `Why doesn`t she lose some weight/Get some new clothes ? / Put some make-up on?’ (n.b I`m a semi goth skinny person who can look slightly scary to the untrained eye).
Of course this happens at school gates throughout the land and in also media land,  but why does it happen? Consider the facts -the media is controlled and bankrolled by men and what do men do when the empowerment of women is seeped into the national consciouness? Give us what we want thats, what,the gossip. How else do the media get away with giving meek reports about women sacked for being pregnant, or for asserting their right to extended maternity leave which in short costs money, money that most important commodity of all.  This all  shortly followed by hiring an attractive younger woman to read the news, in order to attract male viewers.
It seems now (sadly) that even after we`ve competed with each other in order to secure said Mr Wonderful (I realise this statement is heteronormative, but lesbian motherhood does tend to be ignored by the media at large unless it’s being reported in a negative way and I have no experience of being a lesbian mother and so am basing this on my  personal experience of motherhood and competition) that competition is  nothing compared to pursuing the crown of `perfect woman`- it’s the perfect housewife amplified with new and improved features .Marvel at her organizational skills! She`s still fuckable after four kids! She makes her own organic baby food and brings home the bacon too!

The point is is that the media amplified and commodified women’s competitiveness, packaged it,sold it back to us in glossy form and we’ve brought it in every sense

Tragedy strikes again

Tuesday 6th January, 2009 in News, Parenting by Suzi | No comments

This will only be a quick post as it’s past 1am, and I have to be up for the school run in less than 6 hours, but I found this. It’s a news report about a guy who is alleged to have murdered his two year old son, in order to avoid paying child support.

I was, I’m sad to say, unsurprised as I read the report. It seems to me that our model of parenting is not only immensley harmful to women, but also to children and, to some extent, men, becuase stories like this are too common. I’m not sure about what to say, at this point apart from feeling desperately sad for the little boy Ja’ Shawn Powell, and for his mother, who curiously remains nameless in the article.

I will be blogging more about this, but for now I have to go to sleep.

The Mummy Myth

Sunday 21st December, 2008 in Parenting, Uncategorized, feminism, gender by Suzi | 3 comments

A few weeks ago, Abby O’Reilly wrote a very sensible blog post over on the F -Word about how birth is demonised and controlled. I pretty much agreed with everything Abby said, and I’ve noticed that women do become instantly de-humanised the minute they announce they are in fact carrying a foetus.

My problem with the piece began in the comments thread. Actually it made me so upset, I couldn’t comment on the piece itself and it’s taken will now for me to be able to write a piece.

The problem I have with the Comments on the F word piece is that for a large part of it, it turns into a fight about breastfeeding and another fight about how ‘tired’ all these mothering, pro- breastfeeding, feminist mothers are about having non mothers write about mothering. As a pro- breastfeeding feminist mother (although not pro-breastfeeding in the ‘ you are EVIL for DEPRIVING your child of their RIGHT to breast milk ilk) Here is my commentary on Motherhood, and Breastfeeding and why it’s perfectly damned fine and ok for women who aren’t mothers to be commenting on Motherhood.

I have two delightful children – one of them I developed pre- eclampsia, was induced, had an epidural, didn’t breastfeed for longer than three weeks due to poor supply, sore nipples and a total lack of support, not to mention I figured that giving my screaming hungry unhappy baby formula so he was no longer screaming hungry and unhappy was probably not as bad as continuing to attempt to breastfeed, failing and having a screaming hungry unhappy baby and against all medical advice, trusted my gut and weaned him at 12 weeks. Apparently this means he is supposed to suffering from chronic bowel problems, food allergies and death, but funnily enough he seems to be fine.

With my second child, I didn’t suffer from any pregnancy nasties, had a stretch and sweep, laboured quite naturally at home, went into hospital, had a TENS machine and some gas and air, popped her out in a record of two and a half hours and breastfed exclusively for 6 months where upon I gave up because my Health Visitor was making all sorts of threats involving Social Services because my daughter was failing to gain weight. She was developing perfectly naturally she was just very skinny. Had I had my head screwed on a bit better I’d have told the HV to shove off- even now age 5 she is still ridiculously skinny and she eats like a horse.

My point in telling you all this is to show that even the SAME woman, will have very different experiences of mothering amongst her children. Every labour and birth is different, every pregnancy is different and every child is different. There is no wrong or right way to be doing this. What there is, is your experience, your family (whether that’s biological or chosen), and the bits of knowledge you’re able to use to try and work it out for yourself. It REALLY pisses me off when I see people sanctimoniously harping on about how non- breastfed babies have higher risks of diabetes etc later in life and how we shouldn’t hide these facts from non- breastfeeding mothers because, well, if only they knew the damage they were doing their children they’d be damned sure to breastfeed. For a minimum of 5 years!

FYI- most non- breastfeeding mothers KNOW that breast is best, they know about how it’s ‘easier’ (although it’s actually quite hard), they know about expressing and they know about the positive benefits for theirs and their children’s health. All we should be doing is ensuring women can access Breastfeeding support services, have all the information they need about breast vs. bottle and then support them in WHATEVER choice they make, regardless of how we feel about it. Personally I feel a bit squicked out at the thought of breastfeeding past 12 months. That however is MY problem and certainly is not something I would ever even dream of foisting on any woman I knew or saw who chose to breastfeed her child past their 1st birthday. Her body, her child and she can do whatever she wants to make it work- it’s actually none of mine or anyone else’s business how anyone chooses to feed their child. As long as they are feeding their child and doing the best they can do, then who the hell are the rest of us to be judging??

This attitude of judgement, is one of the things that pisses me off so mightily with our social model of Motherhood. The very second you announce you are to become a child carrying member of the mom club, suddenly your body no longer belongs to you. Complete strangers will grab your belly, or touch your child. Complete strangers will harangue you in public for breastfeeding or bottle feeding, for changing your childs nappy or for waiting till you can get to a baby changing room. You’ll be criticised for looking too good or not good enough, for being too young or too old,  and simultaneously told to eat more (keep your strength up, enrich your milk) and eat less (got to loose that baby weight and get back into those pre- baby jeans). Mothers, it seems, can never ever get it right, and as a society we don’t support mothers much at all.

I think, that rather than fighting about whether or not someone is breastfeeding or whether a non-mothers opinion is valid, a truly feminist apporach to motherhood would be one where we support each other. Non- Mothers have a vital role to play in provideing their Mother friends with non-mom related conversation and perspective, mothers hav e a role to play in supporting not only each other in their mothering choices, but also in supporting our non-mother friends and their choices to remain child free, or being supportive voices of experience should they choose to have children. A more feminist way of apporaching Motherhood would be to recognize that mothers are first and foremost women and that without mothers none of us would be here in the firstplace. Mothers need support to and instead of bitching our way through the right and wrong ways to mother we should be supportive, ensure all women can access good qaulity maternity and child care services, that all women have access to information in order to make informed decisions about what is bets for them and their families and also to provide support for men, that they become Fathers who are able to support their partners and carry out equal parenting.

What I would like to know is what you think- should we ignore the opinions of non-mothers and accuse non- breastfeeding mothers of child abuse or stupidity? Or shoudl we support a more inclusive and supportive approach to mothering and child rearing??

A quick one.

Wednesday 10th December, 2008 in Parenting, Politics, feminism by Suzi | 1 comment

Watching the news whilst munching on my cereal this morning I was horrified to be informed by those nice people at the BBC that the government, in their infinate wisdom, have decided to introduce Welfare reforms . My problem isn’t with Welfare reforms being introduced- my problem is with how these reforms are going to massively impact adversely on the lives of lone parents- the over whelming majority of which are women.

Whilst I’m very much of the opinion that the welfare system should provide people with support when recquired at the most desperate times and should be delivered in such a way, as to provide individuals and families positive opportunities to change and to undertake training/education and provide a stepping point into the work force, these new reforms are at best, discriminatory and at worst down right bloody evil.

If the government want more single mothers working and not on benefits then they need to introduce a widespread system of free childcare open to all. They need to provide more funding for un educated parents to access education- even with the Dependents grant added onto my student loan I’m still only about 6-700 pounds a term better off than my colleagues who don’t have children and also qualify for income assessed student loan payments. That £700 might seem a lot but when you take into account my child care bills, travel, cost of books (which I have to buy because I can’t access the library during opening hours) it’s not much.

There are folks who will argue that becuase women like myself  are able to get off of benefits, go to university and study whilst working, and looking after our children why can’t everyone else? And my answer to those people is always this: I’m ‘brave’ to the point of stupidity. I’m also terribly middle class and education is more of a priority for me than a stable income. I can se how that won’t work for other people who are unwilling to want to enter education/ training programs unless they are garunteed a stable income. Why would you remove yourself from benefits, which contrary to what the media would have you belive, are a pittance, but a stable pittance, to go into the workforce or education which comes with limited, expensive childcare and an unstable income. Despite labour freforms most employers are still notoriously difficult when it comes to working flexi- time or having time off to care foir sick/ill children or attend events like school plays and sports days.

This new set of welfare reforsm discirminates against women and children becuase it doesn’t make allowances for the real difficulties faced by these families. Welfare reform is all well and good Mr Brown, but unless you bring in infrastructure reforms alongside them you are condemning women and their families to a lifetime full of penalisation for circumstances they cannot change.

Here come the Fat Police

Thursday 9th October, 2008 in Education, Parenting, Politics, Popular Culture by Suzi | No comments

It seems the Fat Police are at it again. Being a fat person, isn’t just bad you see. Being the parent of a fat child is bad. Apparently it’s child abuse to have fat children. And if you are abusing your children by ‘making’ them fat then they should be removed from you for their own good.

Never mind that actually fat is mostly genetic or that sometimes a little dietary knowledge can go a long way, or that fat children are quite patently not being neglected by their parents, no, no being fat is so horrific we must remove fat children from their homes in order to protect them.

I really hope this kind of stupid, fucked up and unscientific thinking doesn’t make it into legislation you know. Because this is the kind of fucked up stupid unscientific thinking that will lead to parents accidentally starving their children of essential nutrients, in order to try and keep them thin and prevent their kids being removed from them.

It wouldn’t be so bad if it weren’t for the fact the obesity epidemic is statistically a load of horseshit anyway.

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