A few weeks ago, Abby O’Reilly wrote a very sensible blog post over on the F -Word about how birth is demonised and controlled. I pretty much agreed with everything Abby said, and I’ve noticed that women do become instantly de-humanised the minute they announce they are in fact carrying a foetus.
My problem with the piece began in the comments thread. Actually it made me so upset, I couldn’t comment on the piece itself and it’s taken will now for me to be able to write a piece.
The problem I have with the Comments on the F word piece is that for a large part of it, it turns into a fight about breastfeeding and another fight about how ‘tired’ all these mothering, pro- breastfeeding, feminist mothers are about having non mothers write about mothering. As a pro- breastfeeding feminist mother (although not pro-breastfeeding in the ‘ you are EVIL for DEPRIVING your child of their RIGHT to breast milk ilk) Here is my commentary on Motherhood, and Breastfeeding and why it’s perfectly damned fine and ok for women who aren’t mothers to be commenting on Motherhood.
I have two delightful children – one of them I developed pre- eclampsia, was induced, had an epidural, didn’t breastfeed for longer than three weeks due to poor supply, sore nipples and a total lack of support, not to mention I figured that giving my screaming hungry unhappy baby formula so he was no longer screaming hungry and unhappy was probably not as bad as continuing to attempt to breastfeed, failing and having a screaming hungry unhappy baby and against all medical advice, trusted my gut and weaned him at 12 weeks. Apparently this means he is supposed to suffering from chronic bowel problems, food allergies and death, but funnily enough he seems to be fine.
With my second child, I didn’t suffer from any pregnancy nasties, had a stretch and sweep, laboured quite naturally at home, went into hospital, had a TENS machine and some gas and air, popped her out in a record of two and a half hours and breastfed exclusively for 6 months where upon I gave up because my Health Visitor was making all sorts of threats involving Social Services because my daughter was failing to gain weight. She was developing perfectly naturally she was just very skinny. Had I had my head screwed on a bit better I’d have told the HV to shove off- even now age 5 she is still ridiculously skinny and she eats like a horse.
My point in telling you all this is to show that even the SAME woman, will have very different experiences of mothering amongst her children. Every labour and birth is different, every pregnancy is different and every child is different. There is no wrong or right way to be doing this. What there is, is your experience, your family (whether that’s biological or chosen), and the bits of knowledge you’re able to use to try and work it out for yourself. It REALLY pisses me off when I see people sanctimoniously harping on about how non- breastfed babies have higher risks of diabetes etc later in life and how we shouldn’t hide these facts from non- breastfeeding mothers because, well, if only they knew the damage they were doing their children they’d be damned sure to breastfeed. For a minimum of 5 years!
FYI- most non- breastfeeding mothers KNOW that breast is best, they know about how it’s ‘easier’ (although it’s actually quite hard), they know about expressing and they know about the positive benefits for theirs and their children’s health. All we should be doing is ensuring women can access Breastfeeding support services, have all the information they need about breast vs. bottle and then support them in WHATEVER choice they make, regardless of how we feel about it. Personally I feel a bit squicked out at the thought of breastfeeding past 12 months. That however is MY problem and certainly is not something I would ever even dream of foisting on any woman I knew or saw who chose to breastfeed her child past their 1st birthday. Her body, her child and she can do whatever she wants to make it work- it’s actually none of mine or anyone else’s business how anyone chooses to feed their child. As long as they are feeding their child and doing the best they can do, then who the hell are the rest of us to be judging??
This attitude of judgement, is one of the things that pisses me off so mightily with our social model of Motherhood. The very second you announce you are to become a child carrying member of the mom club, suddenly your body no longer belongs to you. Complete strangers will grab your belly, or touch your child. Complete strangers will harangue you in public for breastfeeding or bottle feeding, for changing your childs nappy or for waiting till you can get to a baby changing room. You’ll be criticised for looking too good or not good enough, for being too young or too old, and simultaneously told to eat more (keep your strength up, enrich your milk) and eat less (got to loose that baby weight and get back into those pre- baby jeans). Mothers, it seems, can never ever get it right, and as a society we don’t support mothers much at all.
I think, that rather than fighting about whether or not someone is breastfeeding or whether a non-mothers opinion is valid, a truly feminist apporach to motherhood would be one where we support each other. Non- Mothers have a vital role to play in provideing their Mother friends with non-mom related conversation and perspective, mothers hav e a role to play in supporting not only each other in their mothering choices, but also in supporting our non-mother friends and their choices to remain child free, or being supportive voices of experience should they choose to have children. A more feminist way of apporaching Motherhood would be to recognize that mothers are first and foremost women and that without mothers none of us would be here in the firstplace. Mothers need support to and instead of bitching our way through the right and wrong ways to mother we should be supportive, ensure all women can access good qaulity maternity and child care services, that all women have access to information in order to make informed decisions about what is bets for them and their families and also to provide support for men, that they become Fathers who are able to support their partners and carry out equal parenting.
What I would like to know is what you think- should we ignore the opinions of non-mothers and accuse non- breastfeeding mothers of child abuse or stupidity? Or shoudl we support a more inclusive and supportive approach to mothering and child rearing??
