Warning: This post may be triggering for Sexual Violence survivors.
Standing up to a ‘minor’ sexual assault.
Picture the scene: you’re a woman who is gaining confidence in who she is and what she does. Upon entering Higher Education (something you never ever thought you had the brains for) you find yourself looking at the top spot on the student union and thinking to yourself ‘I can do that’ . You run for office, you succeed. The college administration has respect for you because you unearth diplomatic skills you never thought you had, students like you because everything gets sorted and at the top of your ‘to do list’ is student welfare, every single time.
You help to organise the end of year ball, and you dress up- not in a posh frock, but in a ringmaster’s costume (because some wag said the student union was a circus). You turn up to the ball, and naturally people want to talk to you and take photos because you are one of the few that has turned up donning fancy dress. You have a couple of drinks and go outside for a cigarette.
Its dark outside but that doesn’t matter this place is familiar to you, it is safe. Suddenly you feel someone place their hand on your arse and stroke right across the cheek. You turn around to see someone you barely know, another student. You tell them to ‘fuck off’ . The person towers over your five foot six small frame by at least a six inches. You figure the verbal warning was enough but the person takes it as a challenge and proceeds to do it again. Again you tell them to ‘fuck off’! The person explains that you must be ‘up for it’, otherwise why would you be talking and joking with every one? Why would you be in fancy dress?
You don`t move from your position because it’s the only way you can show you won’t be cowed. It happens again, then a male friend comes around the corner and the person runs off. You try and shake it off , after all, you’ve worked in bars for years and put up with all sorts of sexist shit, but this time it feels different- the experience was threatening.
You shrug it off and drink some more and get back to the ball but you find yourself unwittingly clinging to your male friend. You find yourself talking to your male friend outside and then suddenly the perpetrator comes walking past you and addresses your friend saying that you’re a ’slag’ and asking ‘what are you doing with THAT mate?’ Next thing you know you’re cleaning blood off someone who has tried to help the perpetrator, after he decided to put his head through a glass door.
You wake up in the morning and realise the danger that could have occurred! How can the behavior of this individual go unpunished? He`s clearly a danger to women and to himself what do you do? Your best friend advises you to call the police and register a complaint; you were touched without consent in a sexual manner and also verbally abused.
The next day you are visited by a lone male police officer, you give your statement and hand over clothes for DNA analysis. You feel foolish, like you’re making a mountain out of a molehill, after all you’re thirty something tough cookie, you put it to the back of your mind and get on with things.
You explain what happened to your boyfriend, he`s sorry that it happened, it wouldn’t have happened if he was there, then if not me who would it of happened to? Would they have handled it the same way as me, what if my friend hadn’t walked around the corner , what if I was by myself when the verbal assault happened? No-one would have seen, they were all inside. Had he done this before ? Why didn’t I move? What if? What if?
You go to the shops you start to see tall skinny men just like him, is it him? Your heart quickens and you freeze- what do you do if it is him? You walk through the park, see tall skinny men, is that him? What do I do?
You examine in detail what you are wearing, you dress down more than usual, a bit less make up, looser jeans. But then you look in the mirror and you realise it’s stupid- it’s not about what you wear. In fact it’s not about you at all. It’s about him. It’s not about sex it’s about power. He didn’t get what he wanted and he put his own head through a glass door. This guy has serious problems but that’s not my concern. I want to stop being scared of what ifs .
I talk about it with close friends, and the more I talk about it, the more I get angry, the more I want to get some people to go after him and kick the shit out of him. The rational part of me says it won’t solve anything. But what will happen? Will the police take it seriously? The P.C informs me that he believes me and he is reporting to a sexual assault ‘Tzar’ in the Thames Valley Police. Why does a PC need to tell me that he believes me? I’m smart, I’m in a position of trust, I don’t normally display intense emotional responses with complete strangers. I said I was willingly to take it to court without having certain protections such as a video link, instead of appearing in court in person. I know I’m right to report this I’ve never called the police in my life but I know deep down this individual has to stop and examine what he’s doing and what he thinks is normal behavior to females.
I go and report this to the principal ,she’s behind me one hundred percent as are two of my tutors , I find a different response with the third tutor who implies that I’m aggressive. Aggressive how? Ok, I’m forceful but that’s my personality and anyway isn’t that a cop-out? Aggressive personalities don’t deserve to be sexually assualted anymore than anyone else. Examining my personality, this tutor knew me and knew that deep down I wouldn’t have taken such steps if I thought it was just a bit of `party banter’.
I go to the women’s officer, a Marxist feminist, and explain the situation and how I’m feeling. I was seeking support in bringing the case to the college authorities- I know he’s done this to other women on campus who for their own reasons won’[t speak up. The next thing I know its all about him according to our ‘Feminist’Womens Officer ‘well he is from a council estate you know’. Erm…well so am I and believe me most males from a council estate would never act like that. Yeah I know he`s got problems but does that make it ok to act out in a sexually aggressive manner? A male friend of mine commented that every pat on the back side from a male to a female has two thousand years of patriarchy behind it. Well I never think that deeply I just thought the situation was bang out of order.
The P.C rang me up ‘we nicked him’. Great. Now what? When questioned (after a night in the cells) he claimed that ‘it was that sort of night…it was banter..I thought she’d be ok with it’. He claimed the time between taking photos and chatting was immediately prior to the assault. In short his word against mine, and therefore the CPS won`t take it up. ‘Well at least he got a night in the cells, that’s not very nice’ said the PC. No mate, but neither was the self evaluation, the anger, the fear and the retrospection. The feeling that no matter how much I gain confidence there’s always a patriarchal pat on the backside that can make me question my personality, my appearance and what makes up my identity.