Marriage

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Patronage? You can keep it, thanks.

Wednesday 7th January, 2009 in Education, Politics, feminism by Suzi | 1 comment

One of the constant bug bears of my feminist identity is how often I have received criticism for not only BEING a Feminist, but for being a YOUNG Feminist  and for how I ‘do’ my feminism. For years, I was afraid to identify myself as a feminist- I’d been told too many times I couldn’t be one- I was too young, too poor, too badly educated, too married (yes, married feminists in fact, do not exist /snark), I had children and horror of horrors, I had changed my name upon marriage.

It took a long time, reading The F Word and having a Feminist professor at college for me to ‘come out’ as a card carrying member of the sisterhood. So, it grates upon me even more now, when Second Wavers tell me I’m doing it all wrong and ‘that’s not what it’s about’ or my particular favourite- ” Speaking as the senior feminist” as if Feminism has some form of hierarchy and I’m a mere underling on the belly of the movement. Generally I get quite narked. And that is the polite version!

I’m all for recognizing and remembering the work of feminists who have gone before. I am all for celebrating the achievements of women who have been activists before myself and the generation of Third Wavers, to which I belong. I wouldn’t for a second want to undermine the hard work, and struggle that those women put in, or the things they achieved.

But in the same way that I wouldn’t be rude to Gloria Steinem for being older than me, or for having been part of the movement at a time that has a different political consciousness to the consciousness it has now, I don’t expect to have ‘Senior Feminists’ being rude to me because I’m only 25, or because I was married, or because I’m a mother, or because I like the idea of getting married again and taking his name. My feminism is not the same as anyone else’s feminism, but I do share with everyone from the most radical to the most liberal, a recognition that women are treated as second class citizens in this world, that this state of affairs is entirely wrong and I work alongside other women and pro feminist men, to put an end to that, just the same as every other feminist out there, regardless of hir age, gender, class, colour, orientation of religious beliefs.

Regardless, of the fact that I am a fellow feminist and activist, I am also a human being, as is every other young/third wave feminist and we don’t deserve to be patronised or spoken down to just because we aren’t second wavers, and we weren’t at Greenham Common/ Vietnam Peace Marches/ The Original Reclaim the Night Marches.

Bearing that in mind, I exhort, every Second Wave or ‘older’ feminist to think before she chastises a younger feminist for having a Pro Girlie attitude, or for being young, or getting married, or for choosing to change her name in an informed and thoughtful way. I ask Second Wavers to recognise that as technology and the world has moved forward and amalgamated new cultural expressions, so has the feminist movement. Women who are Third Wave activists will have a totally different cultural and political consciousness and experience to Second Wave activists. It doesn’t make us wrong, it makes us products of our time and experiences.

I would finally salute the women who have marched before us, who made zines, and boycotted goods, who held consciousness raising groups, who fought for a women’s right to choose, for us to not be raped or beaten by our husbands or partners and have it condoned in law. I recognise and celebrate your achievements. All I ask, is that you have the courtesy to do the same for us.

The curse of the double barrell…..

Wednesday 17th September, 2008 in feminism, gender by Suzi | 9 comments

I have been meaning to write this post for a long while now and what with one thing and another over the Summer I just haven’t got round to it at all. This all kicked off ages ago when this was posted over at The F Word and got me thinking about feminist reactions to the marital name change thing. It was further cemented when this appeared over at Feministe. There was another article somewhere where the writer proclaimed their HATE for women who change their names upon marriage to the point when friends of said author do it , she stops talking to them. Sadly, I’ve lost the damn link to it, as it was that particular post that started my boiling ire at the way in which those of us who change our names upon marriage are viewed by the feminist community at large.

Once upon a time I was married. I’m now divorced and cheerfully cohabiting with The Lovely Admin of FemAcadem, but when I got married I changed name from my birth name to my husbands name. I did consider keeping my name, we considered double barrelling our names (however C -K just DID NOT work) and after a lot of thought I took his surname. Do I regret it, seeing as we consequently divorced?? No, not one jot. If Lovely Admin and I get married will I take his surname?? You Betcha I will.

For me , my surname has little significance. At the last count through my life, it has changed 6 times. Of those 6, 4 were at the whim of my Biological Mother, once was when I changed it back to what my birth certificate says, and the final time was when I married my ex husband. Because of this, my surname is merely something to put down on bits of paper. It provides another identifier for people in officialdom to know who I am and marks me out as belonging to a particular family group of people. I have nothing to do with my Father’s family, or my Father, I am, no longer much to do with my ex husband or his family – and personally should I remarry I would want to celebrate that fact that Lovely Admin and I are married and have made such a commitment. To me changing my name seems a good way of indicating our new status, and quite frankly, he has a very nice surname and I’d be proud to carry it as my own.

I’m not much bothered by whether someone changes their name, doesn’t change it, creates a new surname, double barrles both surnames or whatever they do. I think the whole name change thing is something for each couple to decide. For some people surnames are important, for me, it merely marks differing stages of my life.

What is really bloody pissing me off though, is the fact that there are otherwise perfectly nice feminists out there who will instantly denounce any woman who changes her name on marriage as some form of brainless ninny, under the thumb of The Patriarchy who is incapable of having any agency of her own, so obviously is she swayed by teh ebil argumentx of teh menz into renouncing her own surname and taking that of her partner. Quite frankly I find it bloody insulting – there are plenty of women out there, like myself , who have for our own damn reasons chosen to take our new husbands surnames. There are also plenty who choose not too, and plenty who choose to double barrel, or create new surnames, or to take each others surnames and new middle names. The whole point about the Name thing is this : It’s a CHOICE!! If people are thinking about it and deciding that actually he has a nicer surname and they’d prefer it, or it makes getting mail easier or whatever fucking reason they choose, then the rest of us should just bloody well butt out.